Current mood:	uncomfortable
Current music:	johnny cash - hurt

the end to a short personal era
man, i've been thinking all day. gotten really depressed. just thinking about everything from when i was a kid until now. my life has been nowhere near as bad as others by any means . but man...i've gotten pretty bummed out. the friends i've had, the friends i've lost, the people i've loved, the people i've hurt. the teams i've played on and the things i've won and earned. when i was a boy i wanted nothing more than to be a Marine. a United States Marine. the best of the best. the elite of the armed forces which protect the american people and their way of life. i was 17 and signed up august 1, 2002 into the delayed entry program. i went to the monthly meetings and was yelled at and slapped on my wrists and elbows by the recruiters while doing drill. june 30 2003 i went to MEPS and to the airport for a flight down to the island. i got off the plane to be met by drill instructors screaming at us right there in the airport. i made my 15-30 second phone call home. mom i'm here i'm safe you'll get my address soon i gotta go, love you bye. thats what i told my mom that night. we went into the basement and stood heel to toe for 2-3 hours while we were processed in one or two at a time. once finished we were rushed onto a bus told to put our heads on our laps and shut our mouths. we then rode 45 minutes maybe to Marine Corps Recruit Depot Parris Island. the bus drove through the gate where we saw 2 MP's. the first Marines we saw besides recruiters. the last that wouldn't be yelling at us for 3 months. the bus pulled up to the infamous yellow footprints and we waited. we waited for about 5 minutes before the big silver doors flung open, 1....2....3 drill instructors came rushing toward the bus. now imagine that sick to your stomach oh shit knot in the stomach scared feeling you get when a cop pulls you over and multiply it by 20. that is the feeling we had. one came on the bus screaming then told us to get off. as we did two others were there yelling at us as we filled the yellow prints. from then on it was three months on nonstop in your face screaming, training, running, crawling through mud and water, hours and hours of rifle drill, getting pushed around and in some cases worse than that. treated like we were worse than shit and didn't deserve a damn thing. a few times i thought what did i do, why did i do this. i just want to go home. but this is what i wanted. i asked to go through this. i asked to go through the longest and hardest boot camp the United States has to offer. i went on 10 mile hikes with full gear. i did it while having a high fever but not saying anything so i didn't go to medical and risk getting dropped back to a new platoon. i went through the rain and the heat. i went through the mornings when i was to sick to my stomach to eat breakfast. i would gag as i ate but still forced it down. i went through all of this and even more. i asked to go through this for my friends family and even the people who don't like me. i did this for america. i asked for it. and what do i have to show for it now...nothing, not one god damn thing. yeah they taught me how to fight and i am pretty far along the marine corps martial arts, big deal, how the fuck does that help me in 3 years. my MOS blows but i can't get out of it until i were to re-enlist even then my MOS is in need of people meaning i can't get out. another big reason i joined was Sept 11. i was walking down a hallway with beau messer and a kid was like hey someone flew a plane into the WTC. i was like oh that sucks things it was just like a little cessna. when i went into Mrs. Blowers class she was like walter look at this. i looked at the tv then i saw what happened. as we watched in 3rd hour on live tv the second plane hit the other tower. right then i knew no matter what i was going into the Marines. i've been in for two years now and haven't gone over to do my part. mark matice who has been in for about 6 months maybe, is already over there. guys have been there 2-3 times. i haven't been once. with my current station i know i won't go in the next 3 years. 5 years active duty as a Marine and not gone over to iraq. how can i call myself a Marine when i haven't done what we are known for. i haven't done anything to contribute to this. its the worst feeling to think that i'm wasting all of this. just sitting here typing this out when i should be over there in a bunker or a guard tower or with my unit that is going over there. riding in a convoy to protect it from ambushes. instead orders brought me here. i was so disappointed when i found out they were going and i'm was coming home. those are my friends. i got my smallpox shot and got sick for like 3 days form that...for nothing. i've got nothing to show for the work i did. i've got no one to call my own. i blow everything good that comes my way. Marines never quit but i'm giving up on this. i remember on family day morning. we were running the 3-4 mile "moto run" as we ran by second battalion on one side and Iwo Jima on the other i looked to the left and saw my mom and terry. i couldn't wave, but i was a road guard and had a flashlight so i just shined it straight at them. on the video you can't see me but you see my light. i made the rest of the run no problem. i remember standing there and hearing our series GySgt yell forward march and we marched out onto Peatross Parade Deck. we never marched so straight stood so tall looked so hard as we did that day. the first time we saw our family in 3 months. we were given time to visit which was a huge relief from the hard work. the next day was graduation. we again marched out there tall and proud. then the final command came from our Senior Drill Instructor, Senior Drill Instructor Ssgt Mcculler, "Platoon 1 thousand seventy six (1076) DISMISSED!" we took one step back shouted "AYE SIR" did an about face and shouted "OHH-RAH!!" and just like that it was over. we just finished the impossible. the thing people said we were crazy for doing and that we would die doing. we did it. people and other branches look up to us. what do i have to show for it now...nothing. i haven't done anything as a Marine to "protect america and its way of life" i haven't done anything to help the war effort. it sucks. then i think about terry. we started out great, nothing changed even after boot camp. we were inseparable besides when i did have to leave because of orders. otherwise it was all the same. boot camp, mct, mos school, not a change. then japan came. then the fights came, the lack of trust came. all we do now is fight and say things we know will piss of and hurt the other one. we've both said we just want to stop talking to the other and move on but neither of us can. yet we can't get along for one phone call. it always ends in a hang up or bitching. on both parts. she seem to be handling it pretty good finally. she had a rough time with it at first but now shes getting along with out me. i am proud of her for putting up with me and for staying with me as long as she did. i know it was hard but she did. whoever ends up putting a ring on her finger for good will be a lucky guy. she deserves the best which i can't give her. i tried and failed. she is right, she gave me everything i ever asked for. she did everything i asked. most of the time without hesitation because it was for me. she even quit talking to her best friend of two years for me because when she started dating me it caused problems between the two of them. and if she happens to read this i want jobeth to know i'm sorry for coming between them like i did. i'm glad that they are talking again. hopefully it works out for the two of them. i had a great girl and i lost her. its my fault. not 100% my fault bu mostly mine. i'm sorry for how it ended but it wasn't healthy. it was going down hill too fast. its better for her this way. she can meet a guy who treats her just as good as she treats him. i tried to give her the world, i tried to give her everything i could...and i failed. now we barely seem to even be friends. our phone calls aren't longer than 10 minutes before the yelling starts. i'll miss her but shes right, i'm a stupid boy and don't deserve her. i didn't realize what had until i didn't have her anymore. theresa deserves the world, she deserves more than i can or ever will be able to give her. so i wish her the best of luck and hope all goes well and works out for her. as for me. i'm just calling it quits. just doing my time until the three years are up and then i don't know what im going to do with my life. i really have no idea.

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Johnny Cash - Hurt